As I begin to write this entry, Fun’s “We are Young” starts to play on my Pandora station. How appropriate.
Tomorrow marks the official “beginning of the end”-Phi Beta Kappa induction, Honors Convocation, Baccalaureate Mass. The day after, it’s the official end to this chapter, to this “age.” It’s a somewhat sensitive word to most right now. Graduation. Commencement. The day we officially get the piece of paper that proclaims we did it. We got through it. We finished the schooling that is “expected” of us.
But with this, comes the infamous question of “What are you doing after?” It comes up in conversation more so than “What did you think of your college years?” And somehow, I think, it’s a more appropriate question at this time, especially since all of us in the Class of 2012 have been so focused on getting to what we are doing after, that (I think) we need this time to reflect on our college years. Our mindset has always been on the now and the future, it has never been to the years that have passed. And these college years, although most of them are a blur in our memory, there are certain things that remind us and trigger that memory, that moment, that time…
While packing up my dorm room (amidst enjoying senior week activities and having dorm kickbacks with great friends), I see the accumulation and remnants of my college years. I look at all the clothes on my bed, the boxes of books I put to the side, the syllabi, papers, exams, that accumulated the past four years, the pictures on my wall, the receipts I forgot to throw away, the Orientation 2008 folder that I somehow still managed to keep alive, the Starbucks gift cards that has helped me stay alive, my Cardinal Card, a broken Smartrip…all the things that have brought me to where I am at this very moment. The only thought in my head is that, “I’m going to miss this.”
This packing round is probably the hardest. Much harder than when I packed up my flat in Oxford. I always knew that college was temporary and this dorm room life has the shelf life of four years. But somehow, s*** never got real until now. Now that I need to throw away some of the things that have went with me from Regan 233 to Gibbons 304 to Mill South 313 to Mill North 116.
Every single item I set to the side to be donated or to the ground to be throw away, I feel like a part of me is being cut off. I feel like a part of me is dying, withering away, just like that. And when I carried the two bags of paper and the whole bag of “trash” that I’m getting rid off to the trash room, it felt like I just walked to the edge of the cliff and jumped off, free falling, not knowing how the impact was going to feel.
Walking back to my mess of a room, I felt numb. It was painful, yes. But at the same time, this feeling of exhilaration was starting to filter in. It was like the final battle between Harry Potter and Voldemort, when Avada Kedavra vs Expelliarmus met in the midpoint. And we all know which spell “won.”
As numbing and as painful the experience of throwing away things were, it was also exhilarating, and, refreshing. I finally felt emotionally ready to move on. I’ve been so physically and mentally ready to move on, going through everything I have to do. But emotionally, I wasn’t quite ready. I knew that, the emotional readiness, was the last barrier preventing me from fully going forward. But letting go of all those things, removing all those “baggage”, throwing it all away…I felt lighter. And I’ve never felt more ready to step up on that stage and go get that piece of paper.
It’s time to make that last walk, to get the official document. It sums up everything anyways, right? And who in the world cares what we’re doing after. It’s called a commencement, after all. It means the beginning. So there’s a lot of things that can happen. And I already have space in my boxes for that.
