Haiku Post: That Moment

That Moment

The warmth of your breath,

The tension between us two,

You lean closer for---

 

January Round-up: "It's Okay to Feel"

When I started the year, I decided that I will make a monthly goal of what I want to work on so that I will slowly become better than how I was when I started 2014.

January became the month of being okay with feelings, acknowledging when I'm happy, sad, angry, etc., and simply not ignoring what is it that my heart truly is saying.

I say this because I've always been one of those people who always used her head. I always rationalize. I try not to marinade in the feeling, the emotion. I am quick to tell my brain to dictate how I really should feel about something.

I wallowed in a lot of self-pity in January. I envied a lot of people who can just simply be. I laughed loudly and cried. I told people how I'm feeling, being open with regards to what is it exactly that is going through my system.

It was uncomfortable. It was difficult. I would be lying if I say that I am truly okay with simply telling everyone how I feel. But it was a step. It was sort of liberating and awkward at the same time.

It's still a work in progress but at least I'm working on it.

Now it's on to February, the month to just do it.

Sunday Reflection: On Courage and just Listening and Following

When I was in Catholic School back in the Philippines, we were required to write a reflection on the Sunday Readings every week in our Reflection notebook. I remember, back then, being young with a couldn't-care-less attitude with the why of things, this was simply an ordeal and undeniably homework. It is not until now that I understand why this was actually a good thing. This was the way that our teachers had allowed us to explore our faith, on how we were as practicing Catholics.

I am Catholic. I was raised Catholic and I chose to be Catholic. I made this conscious choice when I went to a Catholic college and chose to go to mass even though I had the option of not going. Regardless of whether I was with people or not, I chose to go. It was in this moments that I developed a friendship with God. This is when I let him into my life openly.

I admit that I don't talk about my faith. I don't volunteer information unless I am asked. However, I am a firm believer, in all aspects of my life, that it is more of what I do and how I portray myself than what I say. I am a woman of few verbal words about myself and I believe any one who knows me acknowledges that.

One day at work, the subject of Sunday activities came up. My coworkers were surprised at the fact that I go to mass every Sunday and a practicing Catholic. They were surprised that I honor every Holy Day of Obligation, say the Rosary and go to confession. According to one of my coworkers he was surprised because at my age (he is a little bit older than I am), the age of 20-something yuppies, the norm is rarely going to mass or not practicing some sort of religion. He said that it is not until later that religion is realized and exercised. Nonetheless, they said they applauded me.

This all comes back to me today because of two things: today's Gospel: Matthew 4:12-23 and today's offertory song: The Summons.

The other day, I was texting my good friend Cristina, about how jealous I am of people who are not afraid to just begin. The way I worded it was that "I'm jealous of people who can just do whatever. Like no planning, no ending, no middle, just an inclination to begin."

I am by all means a planner. and just starting something is not something I can just do. I need to have an end. Even when I travel. I need to plan the beginning and the end. The middle is what I leave to chance.

God really knows when you need to hear something. He knows how to send His advice of comfort to you. What stuck out the most to me today is the Gospel verses below:

He (Jesus) said to them,
“Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men.”
At once they (Peter and Andrew) left their nets and followed him.-Matthew 4: 19-20

Peter and Andrew let it all go, at once. They dropped everything, just like that. They walked away from what they knew, what they were comfortable with which is something that someone like me will have a hard time doing.

The priest made a very good point in his homily which comforted me and I think this is God's way of saying that it's okay to struggle about this thought. The priest said that it is easy to walk away from something physically but it is hard to change your heart on something. I heard this as God's way of telling me that I cannot be something I am not and that He has a plan for me and He has put me at this moment in time because this is where I'm supposed to be.

By the time offertory came, the choir decided to sing The Summons, a very fitting song to reflect on given today's gospel and homily. The verse that struck out to me the most was the fourth verse:

Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

I remember asking myself, will I? Will I love myself from walking away from something that works? Will I have the courage to just go if I hear God calling me to a different path to do His will? Will my faith in Him remain if I feel discomfort, encounter hardships?

My conversation with my coworkers on me being Catholic came back because if there is one thing I am sure of right now is that this, whatever one can call this stage, is where I'm suppose to be. This stage, this uncertainty, this whole no definite end in sight place is where God has put me right now.

This stage, right now, this 20-something uncertainty is teaching me a lot of things about myself. As much as I hate it, I know that when I look back at some point, I'll realize that I learned most of my life lessons in this point in my life and that it will be the main defining moment of who I am as a person.

I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about the quality of person I want to be. I have never been more certain that I am God's child and being Catholic will always be a part of who I am.

Today's prayers were for courage. I asked God for the courage to listen and just follow when He calls me at the right time.

Chapter XXI: The Point

When I started "Chapter XXI", it was really to chronicle the senior year of my college life in photos and haikus, the year in college when I turned 21 and where I felt like the beginning of the end to the commencement of this so-called adult life. I also felt like it was the start of possibilities, of becoming who I am always meant to be.

Looking back now, the idea and the premise was long gone. Chapter XXI had evolved to something else and I'm sure you all have already placed it in the category of "Millennial 20-something wannabe blogger who is telling the whole world about her life."

Trust me, a part of me has always wondered if I should just delete this blog and keep my thoughts and life to myself, in the confinement of my journal (which I keep as religiously as I blog, if you guys catch my drift).

But I guess, I'm having a hard time letting it go because I feel like this blog is one of my more heartfelt blogs. It documents my 20-something self, given that I'm only about 4 years into it. This is a web account of my my internal struggles, my naive, struggling 20-something year old thoughts. Every single time I'm debating on just letting this blog go, of deleting it, I always remember that having this phase is a part of my 20-something self just as writing fanfiction was a part of my teenage years. (They're clean fiction, mind you.)

 I then realized something. Just as writing on the internet to an anonymous audience has been my coping mechanism when I first moved to the U.S., this has once again become my coping mechanism as I struggle through these years of my life.

Helen Mirren puts it well saying:

“The hardest period in life is one’s 20s. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.”

My Chapter XXI is how I clear my head, organize my thoughts, how I get the uncertainty and the fears out of my system. It helps get rid of the insecurity, of  the self-doubt. There's something about seeing it on the web that makes it more sure.

Perhaps it's our generation but there is this notion that anything you see on line is a fraction of some thought, some idea.

One day, Chapter XXI might disappear from the net (in terms of visibility because we all know whatever goes on the net will never disappear completely...there's a footprint somewhere) just as I disappeared from the fanfiction world from the 2 "pen names" I once kept.

But for now, it's here. It'll be here. And feel free to keep me company. :]

This is Where I am Now

After the bustle of the holiday season and the finishing up studying for an exam, I finally had time to contemplate 2013 and all the changes that it had brought.

Twenty-two was a hard year. It comprised most of 2013 which was full of adjustments and realizations, internal battles and external obstacles. When I turned twenty-three last November, I was ready to let that time of my lifego, to release myself from my 22-year old shadow. 

I originally intended this post during that day, for my first day of being 23. However, I never really got around to writing it, thinking that it wasn't a fair account of what really happened when I was 22. All I remember on that day was that I was content. I was happy with where I have arrived, with where I am now. The entire post will be a naive account of contentment, of being okay, of savoring what I have achieved so far.

I didn't think it was a fair account because it completely disregarded what I went through to get to that point, what I have realized, the changes within me that have occurred, the questions I have asked, etc. However, thinking about it more with hindsight 20/20, I realized that was what was important. The now.What I had in mind to write about back then was all I needed.

As 2014 has finally settled into my life the past 11 days, I kept on repeating one sentence:

This is where I am now. 

This, I decided, will be my 2014 mantra.

For most of 2013, I felt like I kept on looking for the next step, for the next move, for what I am going to do next. I realized that my biggest fear was getting stuck which is the reason as to why I always preferred planning ahead and having a plan B. I wanted to ensure that I will be able to get out of a situation and that I know where I'm going. This way of thinking, in my opinion, was the major reason for the stress, for the internal struggles, for the worries, the sleepless nights, the relentless thinking.

One day, I stumbled upon Matthew 6:25-34 and the verse below struck me:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

 
As they said, God speaks to you about the things you need to hear when you need it the most. It was late in 2013 but God knew that it was the right timing. I needed it. I was at the point where I was so lost, undecided of where exactly I want this path to lead. Reading Matthew 6:25-35 reminded me and allowed me to focus on today, on the now. That it was okay that I don't have a plan, that I don't know what will happen after today. I allowed myself to entertain the idea that tomorrow is an uncertainty. I only really have today to focus on.

Therefore, I am making a conscious effort on making 2014 about focusing on the now, savoring the moment and treasuring the experience. 

May this be on top of the mountain, stuck on the ground or buried down under. Here, this point in time, is what matters. This is where I am now. This is where I will be.