Wandering around,
on a beautiful Sunday,
aimlessly walking.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
On Throwing S*** and Packing Up
As I begin to write this entry, Fun’s “We are Young” starts to play on my Pandora station. How appropriate.
Tomorrow marks the official “beginning of the end”-Phi Beta Kappa induction, Honors Convocation, Baccalaureate Mass. The day after, it’s the official end to this chapter, to this “age.” It’s a somewhat sensitive word to most right now. Graduation. Commencement. The day we officially get the piece of paper that proclaims we did it. We got through it. We finished the schooling that is “expected” of us.
But with this, comes the infamous question of “What are you doing after?” It comes up in conversation more so than “What did you think of your college years?” And somehow, I think, it’s a more appropriate question at this time, especially since all of us in the Class of 2012 have been so focused on getting to what we are doing after, that (I think) we need this time to reflect on our college years. Our mindset has always been on the now and the future, it has never been to the years that have passed. And these college years, although most of them are a blur in our memory, there are certain things that remind us and trigger that memory, that moment, that time…
While packing up my dorm room (amidst enjoying senior week activities and having dorm kickbacks with great friends), I see the accumulation and remnants of my college years. I look at all the clothes on my bed, the boxes of books I put to the side, the syllabi, papers, exams, that accumulated the past four years, the pictures on my wall, the receipts I forgot to throw away, the Orientation 2008 folder that I somehow still managed to keep alive, the Starbucks gift cards that has helped me stay alive, my Cardinal Card, a broken Smartrip…all the things that have brought me to where I am at this very moment. The only thought in my head is that, “I’m going to miss this.”
This packing round is probably the hardest. Much harder than when I packed up my flat in Oxford. I always knew that college was temporary and this dorm room life has the shelf life of four years. But somehow, s*** never got real until now. Now that I need to throw away some of the things that have went with me from Regan 233 to Gibbons 304 to Mill South 313 to Mill North 116.
Every single item I set to the side to be donated or to the ground to be throw away, I feel like a part of me is being cut off. I feel like a part of me is dying, withering away, just like that. And when I carried the two bags of paper and the whole bag of “trash” that I’m getting rid off to the trash room, it felt like I just walked to the edge of the cliff and jumped off, free falling, not knowing how the impact was going to feel.
Walking back to my mess of a room, I felt numb. It was painful, yes. But at the same time, this feeling of exhilaration was starting to filter in. It was like the final battle between Harry Potter and Voldemort, when Avada Kedavra vs Expelliarmus met in the midpoint. And we all know which spell “won.”
As numbing and as painful the experience of throwing away things were, it was also exhilarating, and, refreshing. I finally felt emotionally ready to move on. I’ve been so physically and mentally ready to move on, going through everything I have to do. But emotionally, I wasn’t quite ready. I knew that, the emotional readiness, was the last barrier preventing me from fully going forward. But letting go of all those things, removing all those “baggage”, throwing it all away…I felt lighter. And I’ve never felt more ready to step up on that stage and go get that piece of paper.
It’s time to make that last walk, to get the official document. It sums up everything anyways, right? And who in the world cares what we’re doing after. It’s called a commencement, after all. It means the beginning. So there’s a lot of things that can happen. And I already have space in my boxes for that.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
PCN Reflection
Who would have thought that Philippine Culture Night (PCN) would have been an integral part of my college career?
For four years, I poured blood, sweat and tears, sacrificed a percentage or more off my grades, endured sleep-deprived days and went through a lack of social life . I may even have made some people hate me but I realized who my true friends were, developed relationships with people whom I never thought I can be friends with and did something that I never thought I would ever do.
I didn’t realize how much PCN really meant to me until this semester. Until I wrote the final script I’m ever going to write for this event. (I’m a frustrated writer. When I first came to the US 8 years ago, my refuge was writing. That’s how I pulled through adjusting to a new environment. And then life happened and I just completely forgot about it.) It was really difficult to solidify it because I felt in my gut that it was all over. That when I print the script out and distribute it to the actors, everything is over. I did my part and then they don’t need me anymore.
Yes, they don’t. They never really did. In my opinion, acting for PCN is different than acting for an actual production. We’re not acting to show our talent. We’re acting to portray ourselves as Filipino and Filipino-American. It’s a lot more about the crowd, the adrenaline, the blood pumping through your veins. It’s about understanding who and what you’re portraying and interacting with your fellow actor on stage.
I’m not director nor am I a writer. However, I saw PCN as a means for those who are acting in it to highlight a part of their culture, their personality, of who they are. This is part of the reason that writing the script requires me knowing who my actors are, observing how they interact with people. I want to make it as painless as possible but as painful at the same time. I want them to delve deep within themselves and find where they’re going to pull this persona but keep who they are at the same time.
Last night was probably one of the most difficult nights to execute. I had a lot of expectations for myself. I wanted this PCN to be a gift to my fellow seniors. The first time all of us stepped on that stage was the first time PCN was held in the Pryz Great Room and that night meant a lot to all of us. Every single year, all of us put ourselves through this torture, trying our best to recreate how we felt during that night four years ago not just for ourselves but for every single class after ours.
The pressure last night got the best of me. This is the first time I really let PCN take over my life. And last night, my mind just blanked out and I was numb. Everything was a mess in my head. Things were so hard to execute because I can’t keep my thoughts straight. My emotions were on a high. My brain was in a constant whirl and my body was exhausted. I can’t focus on the little details like I used to. I was all about the bigger picture. At that point, all I was really trying to do was make sure everyone was enjoying themselves in spite of the hassle and the stress that’s happening to make everything seem like it’s going great.
But things pulled through. Thank God for my Co and the rest of FOCUS that things happened albeit not flawlessly but it did and that’s all that matters. And, in my most humble opinion, I think we executed the best show we ever have.
Thanks to the FOCUS members for trusting Steph and I with everything we asked them to do. Thanks to the audience for being interactive, open and appreciative of the hard work that FOCUS has put into the show. And last but not the least, thank you God for giving us the talent, the patience and the love for the culture that we were all brought up in.
Coming Home: Kanlungan has come to a close. But the refuge and shelter that we have all found in our home away from home and our FOCUS family will always be there. FOCUS, thank you so much for being a part of my college career and for trusting Steph and I with PCN. It is this belief in us and your love for PCN that allowed us to push things to the next level and to be hopeful of the future of an event that both of us, along with the rest of your FOCUS seniors, hold truly dear in our hearts.
For four years, I poured blood, sweat and tears, sacrificed a percentage or more off my grades, endured sleep-deprived days and went through a lack of social life . I may even have made some people hate me but I realized who my true friends were, developed relationships with people whom I never thought I can be friends with and did something that I never thought I would ever do.
I didn’t realize how much PCN really meant to me until this semester. Until I wrote the final script I’m ever going to write for this event. (I’m a frustrated writer. When I first came to the US 8 years ago, my refuge was writing. That’s how I pulled through adjusting to a new environment. And then life happened and I just completely forgot about it.) It was really difficult to solidify it because I felt in my gut that it was all over. That when I print the script out and distribute it to the actors, everything is over. I did my part and then they don’t need me anymore.
Yes, they don’t. They never really did. In my opinion, acting for PCN is different than acting for an actual production. We’re not acting to show our talent. We’re acting to portray ourselves as Filipino and Filipino-American. It’s a lot more about the crowd, the adrenaline, the blood pumping through your veins. It’s about understanding who and what you’re portraying and interacting with your fellow actor on stage.
I’m not director nor am I a writer. However, I saw PCN as a means for those who are acting in it to highlight a part of their culture, their personality, of who they are. This is part of the reason that writing the script requires me knowing who my actors are, observing how they interact with people. I want to make it as painless as possible but as painful at the same time. I want them to delve deep within themselves and find where they’re going to pull this persona but keep who they are at the same time.
Last night was probably one of the most difficult nights to execute. I had a lot of expectations for myself. I wanted this PCN to be a gift to my fellow seniors. The first time all of us stepped on that stage was the first time PCN was held in the Pryz Great Room and that night meant a lot to all of us. Every single year, all of us put ourselves through this torture, trying our best to recreate how we felt during that night four years ago not just for ourselves but for every single class after ours.
The pressure last night got the best of me. This is the first time I really let PCN take over my life. And last night, my mind just blanked out and I was numb. Everything was a mess in my head. Things were so hard to execute because I can’t keep my thoughts straight. My emotions were on a high. My brain was in a constant whirl and my body was exhausted. I can’t focus on the little details like I used to. I was all about the bigger picture. At that point, all I was really trying to do was make sure everyone was enjoying themselves in spite of the hassle and the stress that’s happening to make everything seem like it’s going great.
But things pulled through. Thank God for my Co and the rest of FOCUS that things happened albeit not flawlessly but it did and that’s all that matters. And, in my most humble opinion, I think we executed the best show we ever have.
Thanks to the FOCUS members for trusting Steph and I with everything we asked them to do. Thanks to the audience for being interactive, open and appreciative of the hard work that FOCUS has put into the show. And last but not the least, thank you God for giving us the talent, the patience and the love for the culture that we were all brought up in.
Coming Home: Kanlungan has come to a close. But the refuge and shelter that we have all found in our home away from home and our FOCUS family will always be there. FOCUS, thank you so much for being a part of my college career and for trusting Steph and I with PCN. It is this belief in us and your love for PCN that allowed us to push things to the next level and to be hopeful of the future of an event that both of us, along with the rest of your FOCUS seniors, hold truly dear in our hearts.
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