This is Where I am Now

After the bustle of the holiday season and the finishing up studying for an exam, I finally had time to contemplate 2013 and all the changes that it had brought.

Twenty-two was a hard year. It comprised most of 2013 which was full of adjustments and realizations, internal battles and external obstacles. When I turned twenty-three last November, I was ready to let that time of my lifego, to release myself from my 22-year old shadow. 

I originally intended this post during that day, for my first day of being 23. However, I never really got around to writing it, thinking that it wasn't a fair account of what really happened when I was 22. All I remember on that day was that I was content. I was happy with where I have arrived, with where I am now. The entire post will be a naive account of contentment, of being okay, of savoring what I have achieved so far.

I didn't think it was a fair account because it completely disregarded what I went through to get to that point, what I have realized, the changes within me that have occurred, the questions I have asked, etc. However, thinking about it more with hindsight 20/20, I realized that was what was important. The now.What I had in mind to write about back then was all I needed.

As 2014 has finally settled into my life the past 11 days, I kept on repeating one sentence:

This is where I am now. 

This, I decided, will be my 2014 mantra.

For most of 2013, I felt like I kept on looking for the next step, for the next move, for what I am going to do next. I realized that my biggest fear was getting stuck which is the reason as to why I always preferred planning ahead and having a plan B. I wanted to ensure that I will be able to get out of a situation and that I know where I'm going. This way of thinking, in my opinion, was the major reason for the stress, for the internal struggles, for the worries, the sleepless nights, the relentless thinking.

One day, I stumbled upon Matthew 6:25-34 and the verse below struck me:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

 
As they said, God speaks to you about the things you need to hear when you need it the most. It was late in 2013 but God knew that it was the right timing. I needed it. I was at the point where I was so lost, undecided of where exactly I want this path to lead. Reading Matthew 6:25-35 reminded me and allowed me to focus on today, on the now. That it was okay that I don't have a plan, that I don't know what will happen after today. I allowed myself to entertain the idea that tomorrow is an uncertainty. I only really have today to focus on.

Therefore, I am making a conscious effort on making 2014 about focusing on the now, savoring the moment and treasuring the experience. 

May this be on top of the mountain, stuck on the ground or buried down under. Here, this point in time, is what matters. This is where I am now. This is where I will be.